Love and Respect

Have you ever considered the possibility that respect might be more important in a relationship than love?

That of course raises the interesting question – well, what is respect anyway? And that in turn leads me onto another question – well, what is love anyway?

What is Love?

Love is a term we tend to use for a person or object to which we feel attached or which we feel fond of. But I’ve heard men who were brought up in families where love was not the natural currency of relationships say things like “I don’t really know what love is.”

After all, as a child born into the world, if you’re not given a clear and open expression of love from the moment you’re born, you’re going to conclude one of two things: either that you’re not lovable, or that there’s something wrong with the way you love.

In addition, the concept of love, the meaning of which is clearly learned, is confused by different concepts like love of humanity, love of our pets, love of money, love of our possessions, love for ourselves, love of our children and love of our partner.

Are these the same kind of love? Or are they different? When you say that you want to make a man fall in love with you, is it the same as saying that you want to get a guy to love you?

When we talk about “loving somebody” but not “being in love”, we all think we know what we mean, but – do we really?

These are difficult and challenging questions.

But the thing that I’ve observed in many men I’ve worked with over the years is that respect goes a long way to building self-esteem, even when what I would describe as love is absent.

You see, part of respect is trusting somebody – trusting that they know what to do, trusting that they are indeed trustworthy, trusting that they are people of integrity, trusting that they are people of substance and worth.

As we all know, when children are treated in a way that sends the message they are respected, they will grow up to respect themselves – in other words, what the parents convey in their attitude to the child becomes the foundation of the child’s beliefs about him or herself.

The interesting question here, of course, is whether or not respect is a fundamental part of love. Can you love somebody without respecting them? I’m not sure that I believe this to be possible, so I would find it hard to accept the idea that children could be loved but not respected.

However I don’t find it difficult to buy into the concept that children can be respected but not loved, and I think in the end this is probably a better way to build self-esteem and a healthy image of self than to deny a child respect while claiming to love them.

You can bring this concept into your own adult life – as a partner, a husband or wife, or a man and woman, or a girl and guy.

When you say that you want to make a man want you, are you treating him with respect, or as a commodity?

If you were to ask the question about how you can get a man to marry you, is that really a respectful statement of intention? Where does it leave his wishes and beliefs about the situation?

I think it’s much less contentious to ask how you can get a man to fall in love with you – I’m assuming that you wouldn’t be asking that question if you didn’t believe there was some level of respect and trust between the two of you to start with!

Now having said all of that, of course love is the quality that can bring real happiness and joy to any relationship. It’s a quality of being and attachment that provides emotional bonds which make us feel secure and content in ourselves, emotional bonds which can carry almost any relationship through even the most challenging times.

When we talk about love, we are probably talking aboutattachment theory – a valuable quality in any relationship, and indeed particularly in a relationship with children.

There are no conclusions here, just some thoughts, designed to stimulate your enquiry into the question of what it means to want to make a guy love you, or what it means to want to make a man fall for you.

If you’re thinking about this, then the question uppermost in my mind is this: do you, above all, respect him, and if not, why would you want to be in a “loving relationship” with him anyway?

Video – Love and respect

What is Love?

The British newspaper, theguardian, ran a feature in 2016 asking people what they thought about love as Valentine’s Day approached.  What is love?

Interestingly enough, adults mostly they describe their own experience of it – as in “an obsession”, “all consuming”,  “the driver for all great stories of romantic love, of the love the parent to child, the family, of love the country”, for example….

While children offer a romantic view of love: “Love is the kind of gravity that holds people together like planets in the solar system.”

And a psychotherapist said that “similarity was easy, but difference was the real challenge”. And his view was that love is as much about obstacles and differences as it is about bliss and similarity.

“Love,” he said, “was about accepting difference, recovering from conflict and tolerating discord.” Indeed, this view of love extended to allowing your partner to be entirely who they are, even when that upsets you to the very core of your own being.

Such profound acceptance without judgement – is that love?  Maybe, but then all the other definitions of love offered by people in this article seem just as valid to me!

But it is an interesting idea, isn’t it, the notion that love is something to do with letting each other be who we are without fear of censure?

Your Boundaries Are Dissolving!

When we are in love, the boundaries between ourselves and our loved ones tend to diminish in strength, so that there is a real risk in wanting somebody to fall in love with you – the risk of losing your identity, say when you want to make a man fall for you, or to make a man fall in love with you.

Why do we take that risk? Is it because the experience of losing our boundaries and merging with another in the act of loving him, particularly in the act of physical union, of sexual connection, is so rewarding to us? And if so, why is losing our boundaries and our identity and merging so appealing?

Is it because it feels like a return to the childhood state of “oneness with mother” which we experience before and immediately after our birth, before we formed our own sense of identity?

Could this explain why some people describe love as “arriving home”? As a “safe haven”?

Or is it that simply we are programmed, biologically, with a particular neurological structure to want to experience love, and that hormones released in the body which act on the brain and nerve cells simply give us an experience we call love…. ?

Or perhaps it is simply a mechanism which evolved to promote long-term relationships, the mutual support of children, and perhaps even simply feeling good?

Maybe, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. We all know what our own experience of love feels like, and perhaps the reward of feeling it is enough for us to seek it out again and again. So in trying to have a guy fall in love with you, or in wanting to make someone love you, you’re simply aspiring to the highest form of love – the experience of bliss – and what could be wrong with that?

How To Show Your Love

Love Your Partner

One of the problems in any loving relationship is that after a while, a kind of complacency settles in, and the partners forget to demonstrate their love to each other in the way that they did during the first romantic phase of the relationship.

How to fall in love with a man
True love – are you showing it?

If you want to avoid being complacent, and taking your partner for granted, whether you’re in a long-term relationship or a marriage, here are some tips that could help you to show your woman how much you love her, or, if you’re a woman, to show your man how much you love him.

Number one

Remember that the small things count a lot – you don’t have to make big gestures to demonstrate your love.

In fact, for a lot of people, any action which shows that you’re thinking about your partner may be more worthwhile than a big gestures such as a diamond ring.

It’s the little things that count, the unexpected things, the things that you don’t have to do, but you feel motivated to do by love. So what might that be?

Well, for example, you could suggest a stroll along the seafront in the moonlight after dinner. You could turn one of your rooms into a dance floor, and take your spouse in there and dance seductively and romantically with her.

You could be like a child, free and excited, and put up a tent in your own backyard to sleep out. You could talk about ideas for going on holiday together and sharing time. Really, because the essence of a relationship is all about connection and love, I don’t need to tell you what it is that can bind you more closely with your partner – use your imagination, and come up with your own ideas.

Number two – the big loving gesture

And having said above that it’s the small things that count – which is completely true, of course – it’s also true that big gestures count a lot, particularly to show your man how much you respect him.

What makes a man fall in love with a woman
Love, loyalty, strength, compassion, consideration, and more – all qualities to fall in love with.

The fact that you would go to the trouble to do this is a demonstration of your love and affection, and the time and effort that you’re willing to invest in your relationship.

Love conquers all” is an interesting expression, because what it seems to mean is that no matter what difficulties you may be having, displaying your love will enable your relationship to move on much more smoothly. And there’s truth in that! What I mean by love conquers all, however, is different.

What I mean by love conquers all is the idea that if you want to make somebody fall in love with you – and this is particularly true if you are a woman who wants to make a man fall in love with you – then sometimes you do need to go the extra mile in terms of demonstrating your love and affection.

So for instance, you might reach out to your man’s family, and plan a surprise party with them for him. (It doesn’t matter whether it’s his birthday not, but do make sure that he is into surprise parties, or there might be some unexpected consequences!)

Not everyone likes a surprise party – is perhaps the area where extroverts can find pleasure, but were introverts might not be quite so delighted with your demonstration of your love.

Now of course we all know that when a man loves you, he is likely to reciprocate with grand gestures. And that’s absolutely great, but make sure that you remind him that falling in love with you doesn’t need big gestures, it needs a mixture of big ones and small ones!

Number three – Thoughtful actions show love

Whether you want to make your friend fall in love with you, whether you want to make your partner fall in love with you again, just as he did at the start of your relationship, you can show your love through thoughtful actions which will remind him of the love that you hold for him.

And when we talk about thoughtful actions, bear in mind these don’t have to be big things.

Once again, the principle is to show you’re thinking about your partner, that you have them in mind, and that you actually want to make the effort to please them, whether in bed or out, so you demonstrate to them that you like them, that you love them, and that in fact you want to be with them more than anybody else. (Hint – this is especially important for women.)

Video – cherishing a woman

Examples of what we talking about here might include buying a particular set of tools for a man, or a Gucci handbag for a woman. But don’t buy something that you think they might want – you have to know that this really is the object of their desire!

And of course there are simpler ways than buying an object to demonstrate your love, or to get a guy to like you, or to get a woman to like you: why not simply make something for them?

Indeed, something as simple as writing a poem can be a powerful demonstration of love, because it demonstrates that you’ve taken the time and trouble to think about them, and to come up with something you believe they might like.

Now in reference to number two above, it’s important to remember that making a lot of small gestures is just as powerful as making one big one.

And if you aren’t the kind of person who remembers to demonstrate your love on a regular basis, then one big gesture all of a sudden may not make up for the deficit of love that you’ve been showing.

Indeed, because of the way men think and feel, when a man is falling in love, he probably needs and appreciates numerous small gestures much more than a big one that would blow his mind.

Continuous care, based on the principle that you respect your man, is much more likely to make a man fall in love with you, or to make a guy who’s your friend want you in a more romantic way.

Indeed, it’s been said that when a man is falling in love, he’ll do anything for a woman – and of course he will! That’s the way we are programmed as human beings. But in actual fact, it’s also important to remember that when woman is in love with a man, particularly if she’s a woman who wants to make a man marry her, then she too might find it helpful to court her man, sending him gifts, thinking about what he might like to receive from her, and making many small gestures of love.

Number four – get to know your love

This is the easiest of all – it’s about getting to know somebody better, which is always a prelude to falling in love, by spending time “being present” – that is to say, consciously present – with your partner.

Bear in mind that you don’t have to be doing things, and you don’t have to be exchanging gifts, to fall in love with each other. Indeed, silence and simply being present with each other can be a powerful way of connecting at a deeper level than the superficial one we tend to connect with on everyday life.

As a woman, you are probably very interested in what makes men fall in love psychology.

So let me tell you, that simply being appreciated and respected are the most powerful ways of making a man understand that you have a deep regard for him. And one of the best ways of demonstrating this is to be present together without distraction.

You see, being present together not only allows things to arise from the silence between you, but it also allows you to serve your partner in some way.

That means taking care of their needs, of course, and couples who do this for each other generally have a very strong affection for each other. So if they have started to take each other for granted, this is almost certain to make them fall in love with each other again.

We’re talking about things like going on a date alone, getting away from  children (perhaps having them stay with their grandparents), avoiding busy schedules, and turning off the phone, the TV, and all the other distractions that are so familiar to us in everyday life.

You could ask questions gently of your partner, about what your partner likes and wants and expects and hopes for in life.

You can come to understand each other’s psychology much better, and you can do this even more effectively if you go on holiday together, without distraction, leaving the cell phone behind, and really get to know them.

Because, you see, you may be fine at home, but are you really in love? After a while of being together, is it necessary for you to make him want you? Or, as man, is it necessary for you to get your woman to like you or love you once more?

Showing that you care about who they are, in an honest and open fashion, without judgement, is one of the most powerful ways to make somebody feel affectionate towards you.

Number five – good communication

Communicate your love to your partner. You see, the interesting thing about communication is that most of us aren’t very good at it.

falling love again
Good communication outside the bedroom leads to good communication inside the bedroom – and, inevitably – better sex.

When somebody talks to us, particularly if they have a complaint or suggestion about how we might improve our lives, we tend to take it as a reflection on us in a personal way.

Therefore, cultivating the art of simply listening with an open heart, and not judging your partner as they discharge whatever emotion they need to speak, can be a very powerful way of removing tension between you ….. and, once again, contributing to that wonderful feeling of falling in love with each other.

And here, it’s important for men especially to get used to talking about feelings. Men, you really have to communicate feelings to your woman, because although you may prefer to avoid feelings,  when a man falls in love with a woman, she really expects him to explain to her how he’s feeling, and, perhaps even more difficult for most men, she expects him to empathize with her.

This isn’t about fixing problems, it isn’t about fixing her because there’s something wrong with her! No, it’s about simply listening to her in a way that shows your respect and allows her to discharge the emotion she feels and to think through problems so she can reach her own solutions.

To sum up: clear communication is one of the most powerful ways of showing anybody how much you appreciate them, and how much you love.

Number six: openness and honesty

Any relationship depends on openness and honesty.

But men in particular seem to find it easier to dissemble or even be disingenuous towards their partner; but it’s not about trying overly to deceive them.

It’s about having an easy life, knowing that if a woman hears some things she doesn’t like from a man, no matter how much she might love him, she is likely to engage in a kind of penetrating, questioning discourse to find out what the facts are.

Men really don’t like this, perhaps partly because they regard themselves a competent problem solvers, and they don’t want the hassle – as they see it – of a conversation about something they feel perfectly capable of solving on their own.

But it’s important to understand that this is NOT how a woman sees it. Men should not get caught up in the notion – in fact we think it’s a cultural notion – that it’s never necessary to seek help if you’re with a loving partner, that it’s better to trust your own abilities.

Men, truth is that your partner actually wants you to tell her the truth, and to share what is on your mind – particularly for a woman, this sharing establishes closeness, love and affection.

In communicating with your partner, it’s important, as I mentioned above, to find a way of not being triggered into an emotional place by regarding what they say as a judgement about you.

Number seven: love comes in many forms

Find out how your partner wants to express love.

Yes, this is a radical idea for many people, but it’s important! You won’t know anything about the psychology of how long it takes to fall in love unless you actually know which form of interaction your partner sees as a loving gesture.

So, for example, could it be that your partner regards acts of service as a demonstration of love? Or could it be that your partner feels that when you do something for them you are demonstrating your love for him or her? And sometimes people need physical touch demonstrate love, or they need to be reassured by receiving gifts which, to them, demonstrate their partner’s love.

Men seem to forget that women really need physical affection as a demonstration of love, especially kissing and hugging. And if this is spontaneous, and unexpected, so much the better – sometimes a woman will be rejuvenated by the affection of a man reaching out for her.

Of course, women might want to remember that men find physical connection somewhat difficult sometimes.

In general, it’s fair to say that most men find physical demonstrations of affection such as kissing, loving and hugging less important than women – so if you want to make a guy fall in love with you, make sure you’ve established exactly what he sees as the way someone shows their love.

Women, making a guy fall for you isn’t difficult, but it does require you to have some understanding of why humans fall in love, and in particular how to make a particular man feel loving towards you.