All of us want a loving relationship with a trusted partner, so it’s no surprise that the Internet is full of advice on how to make a man love you.
But really, just think about that for a minute – can you really “make someone love you”?
Surely any relationship where you’ve manipulated or tricked a man into being with you is hardly a relationship worth having?
Perhaps a much better way is to present yourself so you stand a good chance of attracting the man you want to be with, and hopefully discovering how to make him fall in love with you. That way lies true happiness.
Why Do We Want To Be In Love?
Some aspects of falling in love are impossible to explain – which is probably why there’s so much misinformation about how you can make a man fall in love with you. After all, love is a mystery to many of us….
Question is, what’s the real secret to making him fall in love with you?
1 Emotional Independence
The opposite of emotional independence is neediness. And men don’t really like needy women.
I know that’s a big thing to say, but generally speaking it’s true. Most men who are around needy women are often men who have a need to be helpful, supportive and make things right for women. In other words they get their self-esteem from supporting and helping others rather than from a sense of self-worth.
But an emotionally independent man who’s comfortable in his own skin will expect to be with a woman who is also comfortable in her own skin, and to a large extent emotionally independent.
That doesn’t mean to say there isn’t room for mutual support in times of trouble or stress – obviously that’s part of what partners do for each other in a loving relationship.
I’m really talking more about emotional independence as being responsible for your own happiness, and ensuring you can be happy without the constant attention and support of a man.
We all know that being in a relationship can be a source of great joy – but you don’t want it to be your only source of joy, surely?
If you really depend on a man to make you happy, then you’re probably to benefit from doing some personal work to clear your emotional baggage.
There are plenty of places you can do this, ranging from one-to-one therapy, to personal work for women in a supportive environment.
Bottom line: men don’t fall in love with needy women unless they are themselves needy in some way – and that’s no basis for a relationship which is going to last (although it might be useful for you to grow in the short term).
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, emotional independence is the key.
2 Be Strong and Powerful in Your Own Right
Sadly a lot of women have been brought up to expect less than they deserve.
A lot of women, in short, are prepared to tolerate bad behavior – either in a man’s words, attitude, or even from physical abuse – because they are lonely or scared.
It’s a case of “anything is better than nothing”. But in reality, to have the kind of loving relationship you want, you have to love yourself.
When you love yourself, you won’t put up with a guy walking all over you.
So you need to have the strength to tell a man what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable, to set boundaries and ground rules for your relationship, so that you can feel safe.
When a guy believes he can get away with anything and you’ll still be there for him, he isn’t going to value you for the person you truly are. And even if he stays with you, he’s probably not able to give you a loving relationship of the kind you want.
If you’ve never learned to stand up for yourself in the past, being able to hold your own ground to keep your own boundaries and maintain your own sense of self can be hard. But it’s absolutely vital to get a man who truly loves you in a relationship that’s worth having.
3 Be Worth His Efforts
We’ve all heard of “the chase“. A man chasing a woman, that is….
The idea is that when a man’s excited and interested by a woman she can play “hard to get” – even perhaps pretending she’s not available or all that interested. (Even if she’s very interested.)
It’s an old-fashioned idea, but there is a germ of truth in it – which is that men value things they have to work for.
But unfortunately the underlying belief that women are some kind of prize for his chase or pursuit has led to a whole culture of manipulative behaviour on part of women, best summed up in a book called The Rules.
The real rules of any relationship, particularly when you’re trying to make a man fall in love with you, are authenticity, integrity and honesty.
And even if men are hardwired to chase after women, rather than the other way round, you don’t have to be manipulative to win your man.
In fact, it’s quite probable that when you are manipulative there will come a time when your man wakes up to what’s been going on….. and he may then decide that he doesn’t like being manipulated in that way! And then you will have a whole series of issues to work through before you can re-establish intimate emotional connection.
However if you feel that you’re worthy, if you’re proud of who you are, if you’re confident and you see yourself as deserving of a man with high standards, then he’s going to have to work hard to impress you.
Equally, you won’t have to manipulate him, because he’s going to fall in love with you naturally – just because of who you are.
Also bear in mind that if men are hardwired to chase after women, it’s not going to do your relationship much good if you start pursuing him!
At some level it’s going to make him feel less of a man and that’s going to breed resentment – which you definitely don’t want in your relationship.
While it might do your ego good to believe that a man is chasing after you and “fighting” to win you, the truth of the matter is different.
No matter how much men might be hardwired to pursue women, they very much prefer to establish a relationship through shared times, loving connections, intimate experiences and shared interests.
After all, even though many of us would like to believe that “opposites attract”, research has demonstrated over and over again that when people are basically similar in outlook, values and attitudes, they have a much greater chance of falling in love.
4 Be Vulnerable
Being vulnerable means different things to different people. But I think you could basically sum it up as “opening your heart and showing someone who you truly are”.
All of us wear masks, hiding who we really are. That’s because as we grew up we learned that certain things are unacceptable. Then we learned to hide parts of our self so we would avoid painful experiences of one kind or another.
Unfortunately many of those masks stay with us in adult life, long after they’ve outlived their usefulness.
Being really vulnerable means opening yourself up to somebody else’s gaze, and putting aside these masks so others can see you for who you really are.
Acting out of fear – either fear of not being in love, or not being a relationship, or perhaps even not being able to make a man love you — means that you’re acting in a way that isn’t your true character.
Being vulnerable means being heart centred, which in turn means being happy with your life just as it is, whether or not you’re in a relationship.
To put in another way: you have to love yourself before you can be loved by another.
Basically any man or woman who isn’t coming from a place of self-love is giving off some signals of neediness. And while that might attract somebody in the short term, it’s no basis for a long-term relationship.
Having said all of that, if you have needs which aren’t being met in a relationship – such as your need for companionship, love, affection, physical touch, or sex – then let your partner know.
Once again, this is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and if he doesn’t respond to this with an open heart, then he may not be the right guy you to fall in love with anyway.
5 Acknowledge and Appreciate Him
Love is the ultimate expression of our feelings.
And we fall in love with each other based on how we feel around another man or woman.
If you normally feel good, happy and content with who you are, and especially if you stand in our own power much of the time, you present yourself as a woman worthy of being loved.
And when you fall in love with a man, you want to make him happy – it’s natural. For a woman that’s about appreciating a man’s qualities and letting him know how much you appreciate what he does for you.
And perhaps more than anything else, it’s about you showing him appreciation for exactly who he is, without any hidden agenda or expectations.
When you take the time and trouble to acknowledge in him those things he is proud of, especially the qualities which other people never get a chance to see, he’s going to be happy to be in relationship with you, and he’s much more likely to fall in love with you.
6 Care About Him
Caring means more than a cursory enquiry such as “How was your day, darling?”
Caring is about really listening to your man, showing him you really care about what’s going on for him.
If you’re a woman who just gets caught up in the fantasy of being in a relationship with a man for its own sake, then you’re not likely to be paying much attention to the man you’re with – and that’s no basis for successful relationship!
You have to put the love of the man you love over and above your desire to be in a relationship. Because there’s nothing more certain than the fact that the man you’re with is going to know exactly how you feel about him.
And if you’re faking your relationship just so you have a boyfriend, he’s going to sense it – and you can’t really expect him to stay around for long.
7 Make Sure He Has His Own Space
One thing women really don’t seem to get about men is that men really do need to withdraw into their own space from time to time.
This is something natural for men. It’s how men recuperate and regroup, ready to go back into the world and fight the next battles.
But women don’t get this – for them, being close is a way of regrouping and recovering strength. Which means, sadly, that women often smother a guy exactly when he needs space and time. As he withdraws, she pursues. And it infuriates men! It’s the last thing they want!
Of course it’s understandable: when a woman sees a man withdrawing she feels insecure – that’s the way women are wired, it seems.
But you have to stop taking his need for space personally – it’s not about him leaving you! Nor is it because he doesn’t love you anymore!
It’s just the way men work. He can appreciate, respect and love you much more if you actually give him the space and time to withdraw into his cave when he goes silent and uncommunicative.
And that cave might be a shed in the garden, or a space in his own mind.
Equally, men need time with their male friends just to renew and rebuild their sense of masculinity.
You know how much you appreciate time with your girlfriends? Well, allow him the same time and space with his buddies to get in touch with his masculine energy.
If you don’t willingly allow this, he’s going to feel really oppressed, and he mat then start thinking he needs to loosen the boundaries of the relationship – and that’s only heading one way!
So if you’re a woman who understands that a man needs time to recharge, and you avoid getting clingy, he’s much more likely to fall in love with you. Equally, he’s much more likely to appreciate the time you spend together.