One of the things that I often hear women say about men is “Oh, you’re so shallow!”
It’s a disparaging comment, but there’s truth in it – at least to the extent that men are less emotionally articulate than women.
Why? Because men are very goal oriented – they see an objective, and they set out to get it, and their satisfaction often comes from that simple act. Complex emotional thinking is something that most men are not especially good at – it’s a biological thing, we’re not wired for it, and it has to be learned.
Women tend to find emotional connection and interplay much easier than men do.
So one of the things women need to understand about male attraction is that as far as men are concerned, the first attraction a man feels to a woman is often purely physical.
Sure, sometimes you will meet men who are more sophisticated than this, and who find your conversation, your personality, your qualities – perhaps compassion, empathy and understanding – to their taste, but in the general run of things, men are initially attracted to a woman because of what she looks like.
However, what women tend not to understand about this is that a man is often attracted to one aspect of her appearance, not the whole package.
To sum it up: while you might find it disappointing, there’s got to be a spark of chemistry – which means there’s got to be a sense of mutual attraction. For a man, in the early stages, this is likely to be physical.
Having said that, he’s going to start talking to you very soon if he’s at all attracted to you, so he can establish whether or not his attraction goes beyond the superficial (i.e. the physical).
The First Attraction Tested
Before a man starts to get more deeply involved with woman, he often throws out little clues, questions and signals – nothing like flirting, this is basically a sensitive and discreet way of establishing whether or not you will accept him if he actually puts himself out there and starts making advances.
Why? Well, as you know, nothing is more humiliating and self-destructive to the self-esteem of a man than being rejected by a woman.
So if a woman doesn’t really respond to a man, or rejects him by not responding to his initial advances, it won’t mean much to him, and he’ll move on to somebody else’s court’s attention.
And that’s actually a pretty standard pattern. Sure, it’s mechanistic, it’s impersonal, but it does avoid the hurt of being rejected. In the main, anyway. LOL.
Having established that you’re interested in him, by some positive response you’ve given to his signals, a man’s now going to start what we all understand as “the Chase”.
All men (except gay men, I guess) are strongly programmed to chase women – to seduce them, to woo them, to get them “onside”, no matter what the cost and effort involved.
When he wins you, having chased you, seduced you, and wooed you, he’s going to feel like a million dollars. That’s because he’s deeply affirmed in his masculinity.
Equally, while you’re being chased by a man, (provided of course that he’s not creepy and stalking you), you’re going to feel fabulous, because his attention, his effort, the gifts he buys you, the presents he showers on you, and the attention he lavishes on you will make you feel like the most desirable woman on earth.
In a situation like this, a woman might already be falling in love, but men – well, men take a lot longer to fall in love than women.
So when he’s planning dates, flooding you with gifts, and generally doing everything he can think of to make you happy and impress you, he’s probably not yet in love. You are his current project.
For him, the investment of his love is dependent on a woman not only returning his love but also demonstrating that she is going to be a worthy companion – loyal, trustworthy, faithful, supportive… All those juicy qualities that you can imagine just as well as the man who’s been chasing you.
Here, the man is expressing his ardent desire to be in a partnership with you, and he wants you to show him that you love him.
Gaining love and commitment from you is the highest achievement he knows – at least in interpersonal relationships.
So basically what’s happening is a one-sided relationship in which he is worrying about how he can make you fall in love with him. If he starts trying to show you his relationship skills, he’s doing what all men have done throughout time: offering you a sign that he really would make a good lifelong partner.
And if you happen to agree that there’s a future relationship here, this is definitely the time when you need to show him that you love him (or could do), if you haven’t already done so.
But – there’s a problem now. He wasn’t actually being 100% himself, because he was engaging in a genetically controlled game of making you love him.
And of course, he doesn’t really know you yet: he just made a decision to pursue you because of his initial attraction and your acceptance of his initial advances. Oh dear.
So now you have to get to know each other in a way that is real. Meanwhile, he is still deciding whether or not you’re the person he really wants to be with, and he’s also working out whether he loves you. Not only that but he’s also working out whether you want to make him love you, and generally whether or not you’re going to be happy together.
If you’re confused, I’m not surprised. And you thought this was just about knowing how to make a man love you!
You see, from a man’s perspective, the woman he settles down with has to be perfect. He is effectively sacrificing his opportunity to spread his seed around (leaving more offspring) by settling down with one woman, so she’s got to prove that she has qualities which make up for the loss of this opportunity to mate with other women.
And here is where hearts can be broken: for no obvious reason at this stage a man might dump a woman. (The non-obvious reason being he’s decided you’re not the right woman to settle down with.)
But on the other hand, if he accepts you as a potential mate, now he’s ready to give love a serious try.
And for the next few months, you’ll be deeply in love with each other. He will let himself fall right into his feelings of love for you.
You won’t even need to know how to make your man love you, nor at this stage will you need to find out ways to make him love and want you.
Because right now, in the phase of limerence, he doesn’t want to be with anybody else, and he feels as if he’s never fallen in love with anybody as strongly as he’s fallen in love with you. In fact, he might even be contemplating marriage and a long-term future together.
Did you ever think that it was this easy to make a boy fall in love with you? LOL.
However, at some level he is deciding whether or not he’s going to fall permanently in love with you and then stay in love with you.
A part of him probably already knows the absolute truth about whether or not you’re the ideal woman for him, but basically he’s not going to allow that part to show itself until he is certain what it’s telling him.
Advice For Women Who Want A Guy In Love
So here’s a clue for you about what you can do to make love even more certain: hold back – when he’s pursuing you and he’s obviously in love with you, don’t give in to all of his advances.
Don’t say “I love you” every time you meet, or agree to every date or meeting he arranges.
When you put up a bit of resistance, when you withdraw slightly, he’ll pursue you even harder, and as he does so he will fall for you more deeply than you could possibly imagine.
Of course, if you overdo it, he’s going to be really frustrated – and he might just decide his options are better elsewhere.
So if you want to make a man fall in love with you, you have to judge this just right. But then, as a woman, with generations of female ancestors behind you, all helping you and guiding in spirit, you already know exactly what you have to do to make a man fall for you, so there’s not much doubt that you can get the guy you want.